Funny! -- Bush works out decision for bench

by York (Pa.) Daily Herald's Mike Argento
Monday, July 25, 2005

The New York Times reported that while interviewing candidates for the U.S. Supreme Court, President Bush asked potential nominees about their exercise regimens. "Well," said federal appellate Judge J. Harvie Wilkinson III, "I told him I ran 3 ½ miles a day. And I said my doctor recommends a lot of cross-training, but I said I don't want to do the elliptical and the bike and the treadmill." The president, Wilkinson said, "took umbrage at that."

President Bush: Thanks for coming by, Judge Roberts. I have just a few questions.

Judge John Roberts: You're welcome, sir. I'll try to answer the best I can, but as you may know, I cannot answer questions about issues that may come before the court because I don't want to pre-judge them, or at least, let people know how I'm pre-judging them.

Bush: Heh, heh, heh. Good one. Anyway, moving on, Judge Roberts, how much do you bench?

Roberts: Bench? I've been on the federal bench for two years. Remember, you appointed me.

Bush: No, I mean bench press. How much do you bench press?

Roberts: Um, sir, I'm not really sure ...

Bush: I'm talking reps. How much do you bench when you do reps?

Roberts: Well, Mr. President, I'm not sure I can answer your question ...

Bush: OK, fair 'nough. But you do weight training, right?

Roberts: I'm not exactly sure ...

Bush: Because I had Wilkinson in here and he also couldn't answer that question. I'm not sure whether he's Supreme Court material, what with not doing weight training. Sure, he runs 3 ½ miles a day, but you have to mix it up ...

Roberts: I bench about 200.

Bush: OK, now we're getting somewhere. In your routine, do you lift every day or do you alternate with some cardio work? Myself, I like light lifting on off days and cardio just about every day.

Laura says I should stay off the bike for a while, though, because every time I fall off the darn thing, my approval rating goes down a few ticks.

Roberts: Sir, I, um, well, you know, my judicial philosophy is ...

Bush: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. But I want to make sure we're on the same page here, exercise-wise, because I don't want to make the same mistake my daddy did with that David Souter guy.

Roberts: Justice Souter's views differ from mine in some very substantial ways, but he is a fine justice, thoughtful ...

Bush: Sure, sure, but he's got arms like pipe cleaners. Look at him. He can barely lift a sandwich and he's on the highest court in the land. Please. Can't have that kind of thing on the court, not my legacy thing.

Roberts: Um ... I'm not inclined to discuss the current justices ...

Bush: I'm just saying, Souter's a little wussy boy. And the others, Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Ever see her throw a baseball? Throws like a girl. Now, I know, she's a girl, I mean, woman, but some girls can really hurl the horsehide. We had some of those girl softball players come by here and they didn't throw like girls. Some of them would have been top Supreme Court picks. What do you think?

Roberts: I'm not sure whether ... I mean, if throwing a baseball was the only criteria, Randy Johnson would be a candidate and I don't believe ...

Bush: He's coming in this afternoon. Though it might be a problem because Clarence Thomas' nickname is the Big Unit and it might get confusing having two guys with the same nickname on the court. Now, as I was saying, what I'm looking for is a justice in the mold of Antonin Scalia or Thomas. Those are big guys. Scalia, I'm told, can bench 375.

Roberts: I am an admirer of Scalia's work, particularly his opinions on cases involving eminent domain and Fourth Amendment rights ...

Bush: Yes, but he can bench 375. Let's see John Paul Stevens try that. Or Sandra Day O'Connor. She's another one, throws like a girl ...

Roberts: Sir, my judicial philosophy ...

Bush: As I was saying, I'm looking to appoint a justice who shares my view that weight training and cardio work should be part of a complete workout. I think the court's become, I don't know, soft. I mean, look at Souter and that other guy, Stephen Breyer. I don't think either one of them could bench 100 and Souter couldn't run a half-marathon to save his life. I don't think the guy could do even a mile. Runs like a girl.

Roberts: I can't comment on that, sir.

Bush: Well, thanks for coming in, Judge Roberts. Good to see you.

Roberts: That's it?

Bush: I have a schedule to keep and Schwarzenegger's coming in next. Now that guy, that's a Supreme Court justice, even without the 'roids.